When Tragedy Strikes, Ask About Hopes Not Problems

Over the past two weeks, wildfires have devastated California, leaving many without homes. My daughter lives near Los Angeles, and while her home is thankfully still standing, she has shared the heartbreak of friends who lost theirs. I am proud of her for volunteering her time to help in so many ways. Her compassion for her friends and the thousands affected inspired me to think about how we can support those experiencing loss and trauma.

On this Monday, a holiday in the United States, I want to share ideas that may help students in California who lost their homes—or any students grappling with loss and hardship.

What you’ll notice is that these suggestions don’t focus on talking about the problem. However, if a student feels the need to share, they should absolutely have that space.

Once they’ve shared, here are some ways to help them move forward and find relief.

Fostering Connection and Competence
Start by thanking the student for coming and arranging a comfortable setting without a desk between you. Your presence is 95% of the solution.

“Clients who make great changes are those with a strong connection,” says Joe Lettieri (2025), of Family-Based Solutions in London.

Building that connection is crucial, and so is showing belief in the student’s capacity to navigate their challenges. Recognizing their expertise in their own lives fosters a sense of competence.

Here’s a sample dialogue you can try:

Counselor: “Tell me, what are your best hopes for our time together?”
Student: “I want my home back, and I want my mom to be okay. She’s really worried.”
Counselor: “That’s an important hope. Tell me, what difference would that make for you?”
Student: “My mom and I would have a place to go, sleep by ourselves, and not worry so much.”
Counselor: “That makes sense. What difference might it make if you didn’t worry?”
Student: “I might smile a little, and my mom might smile too. She’d be happier.”
Counselor: “And if you were a little happier, what might you and your mom do?”
Student: “We might do things we used to do when we lived at home.”
Counselor: “Tell me about those things.”

The student then shares memories of activities they enjoyed with their mom—cooking together, doing homework, going on walks, and talking about life. The counselor listens, makes a list, and continues to ask, “What else?” until the student has shared all they can.

Counselor: “Would it be okay to say that you want to do these things again in the future?”
Student: “Yes!”
Counselor: “I know things have changed. What small steps could you take soon to bring back some of those good times?”
Student: “Maybe we could go for a walk where we’re staying now. I’m at a new school, so we have a lot to talk about.”

The counselor encourages more ideas and creates a list of possibilities.

Counselor: “What do you know about yourself and your mom that tells you you’ll make it through this?”
Student: “We’ve been through tough things before. My dad died five years ago, and we miss him, but we got through it.”
Counselor: “Wow. You’ve overcome challenges before. You know how a book has chapters, right?”
Student: “Yeah.”
Counselor: “What if this past week is a new chapter in your story? Before this, there were chapters filled with good times. You’ve told me about those today. What would you think about starting this new chapter by bringing back some of those moments, even in small ways, this week?”
Student: “I think so. I can tell my mom about this.”
Counselor: “Awesome. Thank you for talking to me. I’ve written down your ideas, and I’ll give this to you to share with your mom after school.”

This dialogue embodies solution-focused and narrative counseling. It highlights the student’s competencies, framing past successes as evidence of their ability to navigate the current challenge. By emphasizing their strengths and creating a vision for future “chapters,” we empower them to move forward.

Closing Thoughts
As you support students or adults facing loss, trauma, or other challenges this week, consider the ideas outlined here. Most importantly, nurture their hopes, even if those hopes seem impossible. Dismissing their dreams is like extinguishing their inner light. Instead, use questions like, “What difference would that make?” to illuminate new possibilities and directions.

Thank you to to all school counselors across the U.S. and the world. Your work brings immense comfort, even when you may not see it.

Your words are everything… make them count toward solutions.

May the solution force be with you this week.