When the Problem Isn’t the Whole Picture

A mom once brought her ten-year-old daughter, Serena, to see me, and both sat on opposite ends of the couch, exhausted.

Mom began listing every misbehavior and then every diagnosis Serena had been given: ADD, ODD, Anxiety, Depression.

As she read them, Serena looked up with tears in her eyes. I stopped Mom for a moment and sent Serena to the playroom and then turned back to Mom.

I thanked her for trying so hard to get help, but I also noticed the only story she had for her daughter was clinical and deficit-based.

When we rely only on diagnoses, hope shrinks - for parents and for kids.

So I asked her my favorite question: “What are your best hopes?”

She wanted Serena to be polite, respectful, cooperative, and kind to her siblings.

Then I asked about school, another context where Serena was around others.

Mom ended up describing a completely different child, an A-student, polite, cooperative, loved by teachers, responsible, even helpful. Serena behaved beautifully with grandparents, too.

When Serena came back into the room, I shared what Mom had told me and her face softened. Then Serena told us exactly what helped her succeed at school: clear rules, consistency, appreciation, and adults who depended on her.

Those strengths became our roadmap.

Serena and Mom created a simple evening routine, led by Serena herself.

Within a few sessions, they weren’t perched on opposite ends of the sofa anymore. They were meeting in the middle.

A reminder for this Monday: Kids are always more than the problem story told about them.

When we look for where things are working, we uncover strengths that were there all along, just waiting to be invited into the places that need them most, including the classroom!