Greeting Resistance Differently

How often have you found yourself facing a student who seems to avoid taking responsibility or refuses to acknowledge what they’ve done wrong?

Or perhaps you've had a conversation with a teacher whose actions unintentionally hurt a student, only for them to point the finger back at the student?

Maybe you’ve encountered a parent who blames everyone else for their child’s behavior—or flat-out denies there’s even a problem?

If you’ve experienced any of these situations, you’ve met resistance.

We’ve all been there, trying to reason with a student, teacher, or parent, convinced that if we just explain things clearly enough, they’ll change their actions. But most of us can agree—this approach often backfires. It makes the resistance stronger and the situation worse.

The Solution-Focused Approach encourages us to see resistance differently, in a way that helps reduce that resistance and encourages the complaining person to take responsibility for change. 

I remember as a high school counselor, working with students who were often labeled "resistant." I must admit, I kind of loved working with these students. They were, by far, my favorites, in fact. To me, they weren’t resistant—they just had pride and did not feel acknowledged for who they were and what they wanted. They were standing up for themselves because they felt like the adults around them weren’t listening. 

So, I listened, and I didn’t try to fix them.

Instead, I thought of them as people who needed acknowledgement and, to be heard. 

I would listen, nod, and ask:

“Wow, that must be tough. What do you think your teachers don’t know about you yet?”

And just like that, the student would start to open up. Their crossed arms would unfold, and they’d share exactly what their teachers didn’t understand about them. If they said their teacher thought they were bad, stupid or a loser, I would ask what who they were instead? And they told me. 

One student who’d been sent to me for being disruptive and disrespectful said, “What my teacher doesn’t get is that I can be calm. I can even do my work! But when she gets in my face and yells just because I’m talking to my friend, I feel stupid and lose it.”

I responded, “That makes a lot of sense to me. So, what do you think she’s not seeing in you?”

The student paused and said, “That I can be good.”

And that was where we started building solutions as resistance faded. I asked how the student could show his teacher a different side of himself. Once I had a list I walked him back to class. Remember, the teacher was still upset and sending him back alone would have probably undone everything we just discussed. So, I greeted the teacher with a smile, and said, “He’s going to show you a different side of himself today. I’d love it if you could watch for what he does.” I also thanked her for sending him to me and told her she deserved good students.

Honestly, I hardly ever saw those students again. The shift in perspective about resistance made a world of difference.

This week, when you sense resistance in someone—whether it's a student, teacher, or parent, do your best to look for what they want as you hear their complaint and greet the resistance with curiosity by thinking to yourself:

Does this person really feel understood or acknowledged by others? 

What do they really want others to see in them?